Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
