I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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