When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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