And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I wish life had little blips of pornography
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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