I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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