Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
