I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
