If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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