yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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