Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
