Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
