So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
