You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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