There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize