nut hugger
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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