My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Can you repeat that, but with context?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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