My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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