sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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