I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
