ya dads aren't the best wingmen
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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