Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Randomize
