I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
