YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
