we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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