By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
