Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
