Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
