I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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