I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
