She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize