I want you more than these girls want KFC
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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