You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
