i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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