I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Randomize
