Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
