I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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