my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
