your parents love me but you hate me
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
