I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
