tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
