i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
