I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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