Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
