Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
