Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
