I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
