My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
