Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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