A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
