I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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