Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
this is an emotional support booty call
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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