I'm going to jail i love you
I puked a lego.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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