I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
