He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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