I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Actions speak louder than pants.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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