I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
