Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize